M.A. Larson's Introduction Speech

M.A. Larson's Introduction Speech

By Stan von Styne
The Daily Twilight
January 22, 2016

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, mares and gentlecolts, I would like to thank each and every one of you for coming here at the Tara Strong Convocation Center here today. I appreciate it. 

I want to start out by saying how much of a thrill it is to be the head coach of the Alicorns, the premier college football team in this country. It thrills me to be a part of this. It thrills me, knowing that I have a fine alicorn princess on my side to make sure I do my job and the players know their job and you do you part to support all of us.

I want to start by telling you all how I ended up becoming your head football coach. A lot of my mates have been telling me about the myth of this beautiful winged unicorn called Poonikins, the Magic Warrior Princess. 

It was said, according to the myths, that Poonikins had a light purple coat, wings and horn; purple eyes, an indigo tail with purple and pink streaks, and a discrete ability of not only being good with magic, but good at driving, at writing countless vignettes of what you call fan fiction, at speaking Japanese and other tongues in addition to English, and having a personification of a Japanese-American cosplayer, and we get a lot of those where I come from.

So, the story goes, I went over to search for a match. This pony by the name of Twilight Sparkle comes into play. Allegedly, she matches the description of Poonikins, and my mates confirmed that she is the one. But I wasn't so sure. I had to meet her in person. So I flew over to Ponyville to meet Twilight. She was there to greet me. She says, 'Hello, I am Princess Twilight Sparkle. Welcome to my university!'

I say, "Oh Celestia! You're Poonikins, the Magic Warrior Princess! You match the description! Ohhhhh man!" She's like, "oooookay," and we head to her lavish office at the top of the Administration Building, full of mementos and pictures of her and her personal clique, the Mane 7. She says, 'Have a seat.' I did, and then she tells me about the job opening for a new head coach. She walks over, she approaches me with her bedroom eyes and says, 'Do you want to take the job? I believe in you, M.A. Larson. I really do.'

I embrace her from behind, caressed her plot, her flank, her mane and her horn and whispered while licking my lips, "Only if you let me make love to you, my sweet Poonikins." What happened afterwords I cannot say out loud because Princess Twilight might fire me for divulging too much personal information. But three hours later, I was hired, and here I am talking to you guys.

The way I coach the game is nothing too surprising, but it's a regiment. My players are expected to get up early and get home later to dedicated half of their time to the betterment of our team, and the other half to their academic pursuits. I have no intentions of getting in the way of the success, of the tradition established here at Twilie, that was not my intention. I want to help young men learn lessons in preparing for the real world, for the next step forward.

I want players who believe in themselves and their team, not just me or the coaches. I want players who are sound in mind, body in spirit. I want great passers, speedy runners with strength, precision-based receivers, clutch tight ends, big and bulky offensive lineman that are fast as well as punishing in their blocks, aggressive defensive lineman with superior acceleration, linebackers who can cover and stop the run, hard hitting cornerbacks and safeties who cover. Finally, I want kickers that have power and reliability. In the end, I don't ask for much, other than talent, commitment, and a desire to get results.

My plan is to be at this school for a while because all the chips are in play for Twilight Sparkle University to be home to the best team on college football for this decade and the next. We're leading the way, and we will continue to lead the way. Alicorns are natural, accountable leaders, and their legacy lasts forever. As your head football coach, I will see to it that the Twilight Sparkle Alicorns continue to weave the story we are weaving here in Ponyville.

As you believe in me, so I believe in you all. We believe in each other and we will be here for each other. Thank you, may Celestia bless you all, and may Celestia bless Twilight Sparkle University. 

Go Alicorns!